It was a thought I had shouting in my head as I was walking through the hardest time of my life, a divorce. The 20-year adventure with my high school sweetheart would soon be coming to an end and it felt as though I was loosing a limb.
The pain cut deep and all the while these harsh thoughts were screaming at me:
“You don’t belong.”
“What could you possibly give to a hurting world?”
“You are no good.”
I walked around with my head down in shame for months knowing the inevitable would soon be official and everyone would know. The people who loved us, counseled us, and believed in us. I felt like I’d let so many people down, but more than anything I let me down, and the dreams I had of happily ever after.
In those dark hours were my most intimate conversations with Jesus. He whispered, “Be still and know I am God.” He filled me with peace and strength like I’ve never known.
Despite that, I had this daunting critical voice that wouldn’t go away:
“Of course it would be you to walk through a divorce, the girl who was born to alcoholic and drug addicted parents, the teen mom, you are the bad apple, and you don’t belong.”
And then came this moment, where for the first time in a long time I felt like I could actually breath.
I was at an event talking to a listener, who we’ll call Betty. Betty asked about how I started at KSBJ. I told her how listening to the station as a little girl was a huge part of my faith journey, and how even though I was a teen mom, I knew God had a purpose for my life. I dedicated my life to Him and followed His lead. I told her how despite having 2 children at a young age, I became the first person in my family to graduate from college, and soon after I landed at KSBJ. We were both in tears as I told her all the awesome things God had done in my life.
Then she asked, “And how are things with your daughter’s father?”My heart sank and I thought, “Wait, no, this part of the story isn’t good.” But, I couldn’t lie.
Before the news was public, I would stand here and tell Betty, who I had just met my crushing reality. I took a deep breath and said, “Actually we just finalized our divorce.” I had never felt more exposed than in that moment. I imagined she’d look at me with pity, say, “Bless your heart”, and walk away.
Instead, something incredible happened. A look of relief came over her, and she said, “I’m going through that too.” There were more tears, we hugged, and today are good friends. We meet for lunch and talk about the goodness of God in the midst of a changing season.
All this time I thought my flaws disqualified me, but yet it’s exactly what God used.
I’m sad to say I ever entertained those critical thoughts, but I’m human.
It’s in our weakest moments that the enemy will do his best to lie to us, but we don’t have to believe it. Now I know, I’m right where I belong, where I’ve always, and will always belong; in the will of my Father.
His love for me isn’t contingent on my perfection, it’s unconditional, and the same is true for you.
I hope when you listen to KSBJ you feel right at home. Regardless of your past mistakes, current situation, or crushing reality – you belong here too.
You are loved, you are chosen, and you are His.
Hugs.
Your friend,
Reyna
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. John 3:17